All right, my fellow writers: CK and I have (quite promptly, I might add) finished our scores. For those that do not now, with the type of judging format we are using none of you will know the actual scores, only the rankings of the winners and any other exceptionally close placing individuals.
As for the critiques and comments, they are divided into four parts: adherence to prompt, tone, style and enjoyment. If you want to talk about your story, feel free to find me on AIM or send me a PM though I tried to be somewhat thorough on all of my critiques. Now, onto the rankings.
RANKINGS
1st - Vyse
2nd - Matt
3rd - Jam Stunna
Honorable Mentions -Deadly Turnip, quadz08 and plasmawisp6633 (all within 1 point of each other)
There were many others that were very close to reaching the Honorable Mentions spot, but were just a little too far away to merit their inclusion. So with that, onto the critiques. The stories are in order from top of the WWYP page to bottom. Also, CK and I may have very different opinions of stories: that's just the way things go. I think in general I am a little more strict in my judging than him, but I think that the final rankings are very fair.
Sweetness and Light - Matt
Virg-
Seven Seconds - quadz08
Virg-
Virg -
Cinderella - Jam Stunna
Virg -
Stormy Morning – plasmawisp6633
Virg -
Spider Webs – vyse
Virg -
Virg -
Exceeding Expectations – Scarves
Virg -
Under the Summer Sun – Mewter
Virg -
Story Sitting – Vro
Virg -
A Golden Visage – Deadly Turnip
Virg -
Those Eyes – M3gav01t
Virg -
.
So congratulations to Vyse, our newest Smash Writer! I'll get he who must not be named to make you a writer as soon as I can.
I hope to see all of you guys again in the next WWYP! And remember to...
WRITE WITH YOUR POWER!
As for the critiques and comments, they are divided into four parts: adherence to prompt, tone, style and enjoyment. If you want to talk about your story, feel free to find me on AIM or send me a PM though I tried to be somewhat thorough on all of my critiques. Now, onto the rankings.
RANKINGS
1st - Vyse
2nd - Matt
3rd - Jam Stunna
Honorable Mentions -Deadly Turnip, quadz08 and plasmawisp6633 (all within 1 point of each other)
There were many others that were very close to reaching the Honorable Mentions spot, but were just a little too far away to merit their inclusion. So with that, onto the critiques. The stories are in order from top of the WWYP page to bottom. Also, CK and I may have very different opinions of stories: that's just the way things go. I think in general I am a little more strict in my judging than him, but I think that the final rankings are very fair.
Sweetness and Light - Matt
Virg-
Adherence to Prompt -For the most part your story fit the prompt. However, it was roughly twice the length of the average word limit as well as having a nuclear cascade open up at the very end. The latter is not too big of a deal since it is literally the last line of the story, but it is part of the story and it does shine a significant introspective on Chris.
Tone -The tone was dreary and glum and completely pessimistic and added a constant overcast to the story, which was exactly what you were aiming for. Every once in a while there would be a line or two that would kind of stick out (James saying “If I found out you did something, so help me God, you’ll pay dearly.” Just doesn’t fit his character after he just screamed expletives the line before and hasn’t turned into a gentleman in that time), but nothing major to deduct.
Style -I’ve always liked your style: concise and to the point. No saccharine descriptions of people or places, only what’s needed. Sometimes Chris is a little too cynical (though I know it is technically Chris speaking, it is really you) for a character whose actions are more along the lines of apathy.
Enjoyment -I enjoyed the story, despite it being a very pessimistic/fatalistic view on life. Overall it was a very interesting narrative (though the final lines were a little cliché in my opinion)
CK -Adherence to Prompt -I felt the characters felt way too much like fictional characters, and the story felt forced at times in it's ridiculousness.
Tone -The character was so well crafted and interesting that I want to read more about him.
Style -I would give you a higher score if I could
Enjoyment -Sadly, I didn't enjoy the story. I liked some scenes, and I reacted, but by the end, you lost me with the over the top torture to your main character.
Seven Seconds - quadz08
Virg-
Adherence to Prompt -You definitely followed the prompt: word count was good and the story was definitely something from ordinary life.
Tone -For the most part you had a nice, somewhat foreboding and suspenseful tone. However, the beginning of the story really set you off on the wrong foot. You built up a sort of unattainable expectation for the story: the reader knows there won’t be some sort of cataclysmic event at the end since that is not what the story is supposed to be about.
Style -Your style points are very similar to your tone scores: overall you did a very good job but the beginning of the story just sent it down the wrong path. The numerous rhetorical questions and dramatic spacing and pacing aren’t needed: the story itself should make is read each line in suspense and trepidation. Stepping outside of that and having to say “This story is heartbreaking” detaches us from the actual story. Otherwise, you have a very solid style. Every now and again there would be a phrase or sentence that didn’t quite fit (the paragraph about announcing the scores was a bit jumbled) but outside of those things and the beginning it was very good.
Enjoyment -I did enjoy the story, but a lot of that involved you recovering after the introduction (which I don’t think I need to rehash). The story was good and it was in no way, shape or form a chore to read. Just keep on writing and you’ll get better by leaps and bounds. Good job.
CK -Adherence to Prompt -I'm really biased after being in marching band for 4 years, particularly in the drumline, so the story felt pretty real to me.
Tone -The action and characters felt too rushed for me to really be involved with them. Pity too.
Style -A few issues here and there prevent held this story back.
Enjoyment -I'm biased; **** you guys 
Rain - SkylerOconVirg -
Adherence to Prompt -Word count is good and the story matches up very nicely. The death at the end still fits, but it is strays just a little bit off (if even at that) and couldn’t give you a perfect score.
Tone -For me, the tone just wasn’t there. From the beginning, the reader knows there is going to be some accident or problem with the rain (especially since the kids’ ride hasn’t picked them up yet), but the emotion just didn’t come through with it. A lot of that had to do with the style that you chose, which I will explain in the next category.
Style -The first thing that hit me was the lack of detail: while dialogue can be used to evince a wide arrange of emotions, completely abandoning prose can take too much flesh off your story. When you had Erik and his wife talking about the girls, the only description of their horrible and mind shattering wait was the line “About an hour later, Erik and Sadie were still in the living room, impatiently staring at the clock.” One line cannot really convey the impact of a slow, hour long wait. They may have been sitting in the living room in awkward silence, thinking about whether or not their phone is on ring or vibrate and if they’ll hear it the way they are sitting, just something more than “An hour later”. Actions can perfectly compliment dialogue: if Erik is pissed at the Disney music, tell us and show us.
Enjoyment -The story just never really grabbed me from the beginning. The passive voice made it very distant and the picture you painted wasn’t vibrant enough to catch my full interest. Keep writing and practice describing the essential details of the scene: the emotion, the environment that parallels or is a stark juxtaposition. And to learn that you have to keep writing. So keep writing!
CK -Adherence to Prompt -Stark, realistic, and actually pretty interesting in how you incorporated the prompt.
Tone -Characters were deep and good, but the mother was entirely too hysterical. Consider making Karen and older daughter to Erik and Sadie; that change will torque the tension to new levels.
Style -A few issues here and there, but nothing to kill the piece.
Enjoyment -I loved the ending, but it was expected about half-way through. Really consider making Karen a daughter to the mains, because I think that will correct that lacking factor that the story had.
Cinderella - Jam Stunna
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -It was an everyday story that fell within the word limit.
Tone -The tone just never really hit me like the rest of the story did. While I see this great picture of a young girl and her struggles with life and love (if there is anything else), but it just felt sort of text book. You filled it with many sexual allusions and imagery, but the tension really didn’t manifest itself for me. I believe that is partly due to the pacing of the story: it moved very quickly and didn’t really give time to the reader to settle in and empathize with Abigail (I know that is partly due to the word limit, but the combination of passive voice and some average descriptive paragraphs also did not help). But some of those are more minor qualms.
Style -I am proud to say your style has consistently been getting better over the course of your entries. While sometimes there is a very block and average descriptive paragraph that doesn’t really add to the purpose of the story, overall your choice of words and syntax is very well thought out and meaningful. Good job.
Enjoyment -As a whole, I really enjoyed the story. It was not overbearing, but it touched on the tumultuous struggles of life if a very subtle way. Sometimes a few sentences would just feel out of place (“The warm sensations came back to her.” Just doesn’t really do anything), but a good read none the less. Keep up the good work.
CK -Adherence to Prompt - Good
Tone -Characters were rich, but I didn't find anything in the story warranted remembering.
Style -Grammar was really acute and tight.
Enjoyment -I enjoyed it, BUT I needed more. It made me a bit annoyed that I didn't get the entertainment relief sooner in the story or really at all in the story.
Stormy Morning – plasmawisp6633
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -It was an everyday story and fell well within the word limit
Tone -For the first half of the story, the tone was wonderful: it was dreary but it was moving and slowly shifting around the same spot. You did a very good job describing his life and monotony and how the rain touches him. But once you reached the halfway point and the main dialogue began it really died down: the dialogue wasn’t very compelling and felt some what out of place (I’ll elaborate on that more later). To have such a good visual set up and then abandon it just left me wanting more.
Style -Your style started out very strong: I felt I truly had a grasp of the story you wanted to tell. But the dialogue just turned it into a flickering ember. Things like “Why did you leave me Julia? Why didn’t you show any signs of unhappiness? Was there something wrong that I wasn’t aware of? Did you leave me for another man?” just do not sound like a man walking around with an emotional crutch. You got very wordy and showing emotions can get weighted down by straight blocks of dialogue unless it’s a soliloquy or the like. You did such a good job setting it up with your words and then you just kind of abandoned it to have Julia and the narrator just talk back and forth like a tennis match: try to keep it a little more consistent, even if it is a heated screaming match (which it wasn’t really in this case).
Enjoyment -That said, I enjoyed the story. I just wished it had kept up the bar you raised at the beginning. You are continually getting better: keep on writing!
CK -Adherence to Prompt -works, but I didn't see this as his normal life, just his post break-up life.
Tone -The scenes were good and memorable, and the characters had a good sense of depth.
Style -Grammar, wordiness, and odd structures hindered this piece significantly.
Enjoyment -I actually wanted the story to continue, which is always a good thing to me.
Spider Webs – vyse
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -Word count is good as well as the story being part of an everyday life.
Tone -This category is hard for me to score because the tone of your story is very mundane, but not without it’s spots and dents of worry and dilemma. You set the story up well with just a wonderful scene and reflection and slowly tore it down to what you wanted it to be. The dialogue was also very good, though occasionally it felt just the slightest bit off. Very good though.
Style -You really have a good style: from the beginning it was a joy to read and see where you were dragging me along this little thread of a story (pun only slightly intended). You overdid nothing and didn’t leave out anything pertinent to the story. Excellent.
Enjoyment -I really enjoyed this story from the beginning to end. Great pacing, just the right amount of character (who was also expertly revealed through thought and action). As mentioned in tone, the dialogue is good but still needs some slight tweaking which just comes with time. Also, you didn’t need to mention that Liam was tangle din a web: you showed us that perfectly with all that led up to it. You have improved dramatically and I must say I am very impressed. Keep up the good work!
CK -Adherence to Prompt -Cool tie-in using a man with a normal life running into idiots who complicate things.
Tone -All the characters are well-written and realistic, as well as nicely motivated. I loved the scenery as well.
Style -Comma misuse and the wordiness hurt this piece so much.
Enjoyment -The ending really rewards the reader for sticking around, which I really appreciate.
No Title – Blackadder
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -Word limit and prompt both fit.
Tone -At first I wasn’t sold: it was just talking and cussing and the direness and pathetic situation they were in just wasn’t apparent. But as the story wore on and you unveiled more and more of their troubles, the picture became clearer (especially with the man pounding his head into the ground like and elevator shaft). Just give us that desperate taste from the beginning and carry it all the way out.
Style -Along with the tone, it took a while for the style to really get going. I really had no interest in the dialogue at the beginning of the story: they are drug addicts just freefalling to the bottom of life and just having them call each other pricks doesn’t get it across. Now, when you showed the man bludgeoning his head on the ground, that sank in (though I would have advised another way of telling it instead of “another slam, with another slam and another…”. Those descriptions leave too little gore to the imagination). Overall a good style though. Just keep writing and work out the little kinks and slightly ill fitting sentences (such as too much passive voice and dialogue).
Enjoyment -I personally enjoyed it: it didn’t really have a plot and just focused on the miserable realization of these addicts’ lives, but that is exactly what you wanted to do. It started off a little on the wrong foot but corrected itself (though the last line had a little too much playing to the prompt). Keep up the good work.
CK -Adherence to Prompt -The life of druggies is interesting.
Tone -The characters were odd, but at least they were interesting.
Style -The style tried to match the theme of drugs in being erratic, but it over complicated the story and left me too baffled to involve me.
Enjoyment -Read James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces" for a good example of drug fiction.
Exceeding Expectations – Scarves
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -Birthday party? Check. Word count? Check. Good to go.
Tone -The tone was never very solid: yes, the kid was worried about the birthday party and what his crush would think of his present, but it was never very real. Most of that has to do with your style, which I will use to sum up most of my comments.
Style -As a young author (this is your first independent story), you have quite a few problems with style. For one, you reiterate many things that don’t need a second mentioning or explanation. For example: “The zooming sound that became oh so familiar to Zachary was heard once again; Zachary glanced out the window again…” You don’t have to repeat ‘Zachary’ and ‘again’ immediately after each other: we can put the pieces together of what he is doing. Also, after dialogue you do not necessarily have to write “Zachary said” or “Sarah said”: doing that just adds a little monotony to the story. Also, things like ‘“Oh, really? Thanks, Sara.” Zachary said, a bit lost for what to say’ are very bland and repetitive. By saying “Oh, really?” we already know that he is somewhat at a loss for words. Maybe you could tell us how wide his eyes got or how he was moving his head while looking back and forth to really paint the image for us, but just paint it. Little things like that were littered throughout the story: just keep on writing and reading and learn how to smooth out those rough little edges.
Enjoyment -Of course, no one’s first story is ever a masterpiece, but the good writers keep on writing and learn through experience. So keep on writing!
CK -Adherence to Prompt -Common situation, but the kid worried about stuff adults would.
Tone -Septic character that did nothing for me.
Style -Cleanly written and near mastery of the Language.
Enjoyment -I had no interest in the character succeeding, which is good, because I never learned if he did.
Under the Summer Sun – Mewter
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -Both prompt and word count were effectively met.
Tone -For me, the tone was very hit and miss at some points. At some junctures it was good, and it really felt like two innocent kids enjoying the young, innocent summer together before life had to pull them away. And then there where lines or paragraphs that completely shook that sketch and felt very rigid ("I didn't know that there was a type of flower that reached almost ten feet in height!” is not something kids say. “There’s a flower that’s ten feet tall!?” would be a much more juvenile and childlike reaction). But those lines didn’t come up very much. The only other qualm I had were the two abrupt turn arounds at the end of the story: Johnny and Timmy leaving instantly and then instantly getting back in touch: the first needed a better transition into (something more elaborate than “Too bad when they got back to school, things weren't like that”. Tell us how they were slowly weaned from each other) while the second one really didn’t need to be in there at all.
Style -That being said, your style is solid. I enjoyed the imagery of the two kids talking about incredibly abstract and preposterous ideas (as young boys tend to do). You need to practice keeping that feel and pace throughout the entire story: don’t abruptly cut back into the 3rd person narrator at the end and give us a very distant relation to the boys we had just met. Even though it mirrors their separation, it places a gap between your story and the reader and makes their interest in it slowly recede.
Enjoyment -It was an enjoyable story, given a few minor narrative flaws. The only way to get rid of them is to write and read and see how the great writers get past the little obstacles we hit and climb over every time. So keep writing!
CK -Adherence to Prompt -This story happens to a lot of kids.
Tone -The kids were like kids, but nothing really stood out for me.
Style -Word choice was off, and structure was a big thing.
Enjoyment -I was growing bored in the short time of the story.
Story Sitting – Vro
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -Word count and ‘Everyday Story’ are good.
Tone -For the most part, I really didn’t buy the tone of the story. Both Eric’s nervousness and anger towards his vomiting friend weren’t very sympathetic. Part of that stems from feelings along the line of paranoid relationships or likings are very hard to portray (as romance is something that is different for every individual). Show us why he had his stomach in knots over her so we can empathize. Also, if his friend is drunk and vomiting what’s left of his mind in the toilet, I do not think he would be as coherent as you made him out to be.
Style -Your style was decent, but is still very unfinished. Little grammatically mistakes like “But still, I had an inkling feeling” were dotted throughout (an inkling is a small feeling, not an adjective). You need to work on the dialogue being more realistic: when Ben and Eric are yelling (in between puking), there assuredly were some breaks in their speech. Break up the 14 straight lines of dialogue with something (maybe showing Eric looking out into the hallway for anyone coming by or Ben trying to lift up the seat and being puzzled at how hard it is because of his drunkenness). Also, the ellipses made the piece feel much too casual for my liking: really messed up the rhythm of the words.
Enjoyment -I just never really got into the story. There was very little to empathize with in terms of character and as a result I was never really pulled in and believed the intensity of their situation. Of course the only way to cure that is to constantly read and write, noting how your favorite authors pull you into their story and why you care when a character screams or cries. So keep writing!
CK -Adherence to Prompt -Excellent prompt adherence.
Tone -The characters were quirky, but interesting for me.
Style -NEVER use internet speak in a story, watch comma usage, and reference errors.
Enjoyment -I enjoyed it, but the ending fizzled out and left me annoyed.
A Golden Visage – Deadly Turnip
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -The word count is good, but being exiled is a slightly non everyday thing. Though it is not the focus of the story, it is brought up several times and stands out a little too much to give a perfect score.
Tone -You really hit the tone you were looking for: a gentle, bright yet soft portrait of a young woman. Sometimes it was a little too much, but for the most part it was very well done.
Style -Your style is a double edged sword. You do a wonderful job of describing the scene and the faintest ripples of the silk in her hand, but too much of it makes the read more labor than it should be. “A golden ocean of shimmering lights; the amber grass shone ever brightly under the fleeting sun” is just way too many adjectives forced into such a small place, adding an un-needed amount of repetition. There were a few other minor grammatical mistakes (capitalization and punctuation, if I remember correctly), but it is not my forte to fully explain all of those. Also, the final line was very cliché. Just remember you don’t have to always end on a pleasant image or a picture perfect line that sums up the thoughts of the protagonist.
Enjoyment -To me, the story felt like it was more so based of the description of a pleasant location than any person. Granted, Selene did talk with the old man about loneliness, but it felt like it took a backseat to all of the descriptions and imagery. For me, it is characterization that drives the story: imagery should be used to magnify it and twist it into the shapes that permanently impact you. Just keep practice moving towards that direction and keep writing.
CK -Adherence to Prompt -It felt more medieval literature, then just a day in the life of someone.
Tone -Beautiful Character descriptions and scenes that made me want see them recreated in another medium.
Style -The language felt clean and unobtrusive at time; however, for a wider audience, different vocabulary is necessary.
Enjoyment -I don't normally like stories like this, but I was able to actually read it, and feel interested.
Those Eyes – M3gav01t
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -Your story fit the word limit, but it definitely had its overbearing sense of drama stemming from him being suicidal and being tempted by it once again.
Tone -I never really believed any of the characters. The narrator had a very thin façade and I don’t believe you wanted it to be that way. His cussing seemed forced and his instant turns from incredibly depressed and angered to salivating over an old friend did not transition well at all. The girl was even more so unbelievable in my opinion. No matter how depressing or morose or hateful the narrator acted or spoke, she would just say “Thursty Thurst!” and pretend like it was nothing until she suddenly became depressed as well. Sometimes it is difficult to move back and objectively see if your characters are believable (especially when they seem like flesh in blood in your head), but try to get out of your own mindset and check over them. Would a real person talk like that? Would they be ultra-dramatic like that? Or are the just an exaggeration?
Style -Your style was decent, but it is still very coarse. You have a tendency to overuse the phrase “I said/yelled ________”. You do not have to tell us the intentions of what your characters say every time, especially if the dialogue is written well enough to convey that point by itself. You also would over-decorate your images with adjectives: “I envisioned my body being (gently) swept away by a crimson-stained ebbing tide” is a good example. “Crimson-stained ebbing tide” is just awkward. Maybe something along the lines of “slow crimson tide” since we know that tides have eddies near rocks and that it is turbulent. Also, the overdramatic actions and how they were presented need to be toned down. Thurston doesn’t need to be shown kicking up mounds of dirt in his angst since you have all ready parlayed that emotion from his argument with his mother. Also, the randomly lighting up a cigarette and saccharine love connection at the end both felt very forced and out of place for your story. It is incredibly hard for even great writers to go from such varying emotions so quickly without transitional problems.
Enjoyment -It is very difficult to fully enjoy a story when the characters seem very unbelievable and foreign, especially when the story revolves around the interaction of those characters. And as I told everyone else in this contest, the best way to learn how to create characters and sympathetic interactions is to constantly read authors that do it well and write. A lot. I can’t stress that enough.
CK -Adherence to Prompt -The story covers the sadly realistic life of a person with a crippling mental illness.
Tone -This thing felt quite real throughout the story; the girl, who I cannot seem to find her name, was a great element to show the main character's depth.
Style -Errors in the beginning were bad, but the story actually got better as it went on.
Enjoyment -I had a lot of fun reading it, but the ending tapered off for me.
The melon!!!! - Since your story was not scored, it took second priority to the other entries. It should be edited in shortly
.So congratulations to Vyse, our newest Smash Writer! I'll get he who must not be named to make you a writer as soon as I can.
I hope to see all of you guys again in the next WWYP! And remember to...
WRITE WITH YOUR POWER!
