King John; it's lame to blame... stuff

[Empy]

I remember somewhere during the 7 years of Melee, there was a thread about the lamest John you ever heard. I had a pretty good laugh at one last night, so I thought, we need this stuff again.

Anyway, here goes, I'm playing Ike and my friend is blaster-spamming Wolf. I try to approach with fair, but have to walk just a tiny bit forward after I spot-dodged. So I trip (figures) and he tries to hit me with dsmash. He actually walks forward for w/e reason though so I use my invinc. frames by just pressing A and hitting him out of his dsmash. He then techrolls towards me and I Fsmash him. Which let to him throwing away MY controller and screaming you even need tripping to beat me!

So he lost with Wolf to Ike, which is stupid and blames in on the fact that I tripped. I still don't think I'll be playing with him too much though as I don't like people that throw controllers.

So what is the lamest John you heard someone (or youself) make?

 

[Devil7]

I was the ganny and my friend mario. I guess he was having an off day since he normally doesn't suck this much. Any way we started he rushed and did a fair i shield grabbed and threw him off the stage and immediatly followed it up with an uair grabbed the edge and he tried to recover so i baired him and he died. any he died and i was at 0% and he blamed me that ganny was a broken character and i should be able to use him and then hit me in the shoulder. So i paused the game and stepped on his hand since we where sitting on my living room floor. Needless to say he couldn't play after that.

 

[falcon_for_life_and_for_smash]

you speak greek?

 

[Thunder865]

Oh my god, this dude I was playing with yesterday made me so mad. He's not that great at the game, merely okay, but me and him were playing the night before and he beat me 60% of the time (I normally 3stock him and the rest of the dudes in my dorm <_<). I just decided that I was having an off day, but evidently he took it to mean that he should never lose a game of Brawl again.

He has this ridiculous habit. Whenever he does the wrong move, he starts complaining about how BS the game is and how he was hitting the right button, even if he like hits over + b instead of shield. It's ridiculous, obviously he just can't play the game... anyway, he was playing a match against my friend, and he's Kirby vs. Mario. He approaches the same way EVERY time, walking up and using a forward tilt. My friend on Mario simply capes him away and Fsmashes him whenever he does it. So, he eventually gets threestocked and he's raging over the fact of how lame it is that my friend can just sit there and do the same move. I patiently try to explain to him that if he approaches the same way that's not effective, it's liable to get him punished. But he won't have any of it and continues to yell how lame it is and how he can beat me but not the other guy, because he's cheap. (Our match record has to seriously be like 90-10 <_<)
So, I give up, and he starts fighting my other friend. He's up by like 50% and he's Falco, both of them are on their last life. My other friend make a comment on how he keeps getting caught in Falco's A-A-A combo, and the guy almost immediately snaps back with "well, it's in the game, you should get used to it." Everyone in the room is basically like "wow..." and the person fighting the guy promptly puts down the controller and leaves the room. And then he gets mad at everyone for getting mad at him.
Thankfully, this semester is almost over, so I can leave in two days and not see him for like three months. ~_~

 

[Samus-T]

"my air dodge isnt working." "my grab isnt working." "whered my jump go?" lol those are the worst johns ever XD

 

[Devil7]

This is funny because it is true, I was playing against my wife, who is good but never beats me, any way we were playing on FD and we were both on our last life and she knocked me off the stage and i couldn't jump back and i thought what the hell. It turns out my jump actually didn't work. The button broke on the controller and had turned off tap jump so i had no way of recovering.

 

[InvincibleAgent]

I don't play people like that.

 

[Koga]

Lamest John:

-They just Dsmash out of a shield when i get close.

-Rushing in ALLWAYS Gets me shuttle looped.


If you're running into the same problem over and over again. I beleive its user Error.

 

[Golem the Stern Father]

I remember this, good times. Warning: John approaching!

My brother: What is that?
Me: That is Dedede's chain-grab.
My brother: You never tell me anything like that!!
Me: What?
My brother: You never tell me how to do good stuff like that.
Me: If you want to find some techniques that might help you win, practice and try to find some yourself. Or just go online and find some techs.
My brother: Ok, so why didn't you tell me this one?
Me: ._______.

 

[orintemple]

I know a guy who complains about Sonic's priority being too high whenever he loses to a Sonic. This guy plays Game and Watch and Olimar...

 

[Jack Kieser]

PEBCAC - Problem Exists Between Chair and Controller

 

[Corimon]

I remember I was playing a younger boy not too long ago, and I used G&W's bucket to absorb projectiles. Everytime I did, he would yell "CHEATER! YOU'RE HACKING".

And then I threw the bucket contents at him.

He died, then cried, then I explained what the bucket did. He still calls it hacking.

 

[NoVaLombardia]

The Lamest John ever would have to be, "Man, if we were playing Brawl, i'd own you so bad"

 

[Kikuichimonji]

My friend:

"You would have lost if I had pushed the right buttons at the right time."

He said this in all seriousness. We mock him mercilessly about it to this day.

 

[Tyr_03]

"I would have won if I hadn't killed myself"

 

[Devil7]

A person/aquaintance sai this once and has been the laughing stock since. "I would have won if I hadn't lost."

 

[Empy]

"my air dodge isnt working." "my grab isnt working." "whered my jump go?" lol those are the worst johns ever XD

Yeah I have one friend that can't get used to the Brawl airdodge. The dodge now stops when you hit the ground and he keeps telling me he did airdodge an attack, when the stage just cancelled his dodge. I tried to explain but he keeps doing it and says it should be working.

 

[Browny]

my brother had plenty of king johns tonight when i owned him 6-0 rofl

Me as adult link and him as olimar
delfino plaza, i set up camp in the water, noticing he didnt have any pikmin that survive in water, so he jumps in, one spot dodge and he misses, all his pikmin die and he continues to try and attack but does nothing rofl, eventually he eats an fsmash, screaming 'WTF whered my pikmin go? i didnt know links bombs kill them all at once, bull****'

Next life, i killed him via edgehogging, he though he would be smart and delay his up-b as long as possible such that my invincibilty frames would wear off, but my timing was better :D so he starts going 'WTF i jumped, whered all my jumps go?! i pressed jump and he used up b!!!'

third life, he gets knocked a mile off, thise time he manages to float down to the edge of the floating platform before i could get there, so i began charging links fsmash. for some reason he decided to hang on the edge a little too long. i charged up the smash fully before letting it go a good distance from the edge, but i delayed the second strike as long as possible, and the follow through hit him while he was hanging on the ledge as soon as invincibility frames wore off, killing him at 60%. he raged pretty bad, restarts the match the isntant before the KO registers and immediately goes to start testing which characters have fsmashes hit people hanging from the edge :D

but the best one was the last one, me as sonic vs him as luigi. Using every techniqye i could think of and a lot of edgehogging, i finally won. he likes to try an insult me, saying that i practice playing SSBB too much, and im not even any good at it. after i beat him 6-0 finishing with sonic, he declares the only reason i won was because i practice so much, and its an unfair advantage.

lul

 

[Golem the Stern Father]

"You only won because the music distracted me." -My brother

Anyone beat this John?

 

[Grandeza]

" The game froze me in the middle of my up-b and I just fell. I swear!!"

-PSTLZ

just happened today.

 

[Pi]

I like to use this one, because if I don't I'll get mad, and I don't like to be mad:

'*Character* is too fast for wifi, I can't respond that fast with button delay'

It might be hypocritical because I play samus, but sonic, toon link, olimar, and R.O.B. really give me troubles...


I'm trying to cut down on any johns at all, I'm usually pretty good, but wifi just is crawling with them...

 

[Morrigan]

I haven't heard any Johns actually.


(Offtopic: My neighbors used to unplug my N64 controller when I beat their *** in Mario Party)

 

[Deleted member]

We just came back from a local restaurant with take-out fries in hand

We sit down

I win

"dude..what happened?"

"Man..this ****in malt vinegar"

 

[metalmonstar]

I use to get frustrated because a lot of times the buttons seemed to be unresponsive or I would push the wrong thing on accident when I meant to do something else. Which has led to the joke that "It is all the buttons fault."

 

[Fatmanonice]

My cousin makes so many lame excuses when he losses... I think the worst one I ever heard was back in 2003 when he blamed his loss on "a glare on TV screen." He'll whine about the stage, he'll insist that I'm constantly punching in "secret codes", he'll call me cheap when he usually just spams attacks, etc. It's been probably been about two years since I last played him though...

 

[LavisFiend]

"You wouldn't be nearly as good with Olimar if you didn't have your stupid Pikmin."

...Well I reckon I wouldn't either, considering how I would HAVE NO MOVES.

 

[The Chuff]

"I would have won if I hadn't killed myself all four stocks."
oh wait, that's me.

 

[Sonic XD]

Actually olimar is not really that good, he is gimped easily.

 

[:034:]

About Battleship Halberd.

"The ship in the background distracts me."

(actually this happened to me once...)

 

[JawaJedi]

"Fox doesn't have any killing moves!"

._.

 

[itsameSMB]

"You only won because my hammer made me vulnerable!"

 

[Facet]

Alot of John-like excuses such as "BS I shielded" or "umm, I definitely countered" arent cool when its some random guy that clearly wasnt going to and is just making excuses. But when its your friend and the shield was clearly visible or the counter was audible for all to hear, its just good times.

One of my favorite moments like that, which I definitely wouldnt consider a John, was when I randomly died off the bottom of Castle Siege during one of the transformation periods.... hold on a minute, THERE IS NO BOTTOM DURING THE CASTLE SIEGE TRANSFORMS. But it happened anyways, and to this day I have no idea how. When it happened we immedeately paused and stared at eachother in disbelief. We were both like, "wtf just happened?"

 

[RolandBeoulve]

My brother pulls some huge lines out of his a**. He's always complaining about the controller not doing what he input, yet we switch controllers and both work fine for me. He said that Brawl was too easy and that he could beat me in Melee no problem>.>. If it's hard for you to stay alive and recover in Brawl you are pretty much screwed being knocked off the stage in Melee. I'm playing Sheik and he's Mario, all he does the entire time is complain about how slow Mario is and how the controller isn't working>.<. Next he switch's to Marth and decides hell lets spam moves because that works, did I mention he will only play with items on? So spamming with Marth and getting some lucky item spawns he managed to take me out once. The next game he loses hard again and decides he needs to get back to cleaning his room... He's this way with all games, or anything else, although how your controller is gimping you when it's REAL fighting I have no clue^^; Although it will be funny when he finally pisses my g/f off and she finally fulfills her dream of breaking his nose.

 

[NoVaLombardia]

I blame the hippity-hop music

 

[BEES]

I can't do anything because these controls are terrible. (Melee)

Since we're using the same controllers, it's not like that puts anyone at a disadvantage. And you know what he did when Brawl came out? Stuck with the same gamecube controller. Apparently it's not so terrible after all.

 

[JhMS]

One of my friends said this a lot of times:
-Theres too much light in the room,I cant see.
-My controller isnt working.
-I just pressed the other buttom!!111.
And the best of all:
-The game is against me.
XD.

 

[Empy]

"You can't beat me with Capton Falcon anymore so now you just pick someone better".

Obvious things are obvious.

Also, I play Ike and I can't beat him with Falcon cuz he s*cks now, or I suck at the new Falcon.

 

[Mike_Echoes]

- "My contact fell out"
- "I don't need to learn RAR" and then later when I Bair towards him
"Wait!? How'd you do that?"
- "You only beat me because my moves are too predictable"
- "You play this game too much"
- "You tricked me into using my key" (When he's G&W over the edge)

Yeah, seriously

 

[RyjinX]

Two I use for fun "WTF WITCHCRAFT" "WHAT BLACK MAGIC JUST SCREWED ME OVER"

 

[bottles vs mumbo]

my brother gives me alot of excuses

1) wtf? the controller just stuffed up
2) how come my attack didnt hit
3) ______ is cheap *throws controller on ground*
4) how did u do that. its unfair that u dont tell me
5) i have a headache
6) the only reason u won is because i f***ed up. (trying to prove that i didnt play well)
7) *i spike him* "your an ******* (leaves room)
8) HE THROWS THE CONTROLLER ON THE GROUND HIS HARDEST. (no wonder they are unresponsive)