No ****ing Johns.

[B.Wong]

Hi everybody. I currently set up competitive smash at my college and I let EVERYBODY play because the community needs to grow. While there are new players to join, there are more seasoned players who have played smash across the various platforms. However, one player in particular (he will remain anonymous) will always john about why he loses. This guy even johns mid match, even when things are going favorably for him! I even remember one night we let him play against the no.1 ranked player in our dorm. While this was going on I stood in the background with fellow smashers. We decided to take over/under bets on how many johns this guy would make per game. Anyway, the point of this thread is to ask all of you, what is the best/funnies/most notable john you have heard? Wanting to hear it so I can make light of the situation.
We all john at some point and we all hear johns so I'm interested to hear what you good people have to say

My personal favorites I've heard so far are:

- "There was input lag on the TV." (There was none. Even if there was, everyone playing is dealing with it so suck it up.)
- "This controller is unresponsive." (This guy brought his own controller)
- "I'm using my smash 4 reflexes." (-_-)
- "I'm too hyped for ORAS so I can't focus."

 

[McSlur]

"Your Wii's color is offensive, and distracting"
I'm not sure if he was joking or not tbh.

 

[GameGuys]

john john john'in

 

[B.Wong]

Lol. I have a black wii so I don't think I'll ever get that one but thats pretty lame haha

 

[MOI-ARI]

'' My hands are sore!''

''This isnt even a real fighting game, so im not trying''

lmao then why the **** you play still dude?! XD

 

[Agi]

The one I hear the most is "I haven't eaten yet."

It's like, you knew you were going to be playing. If that was going to be a problem, why didn't you eat earlier?

 

[Paradoxium]

"That's so stupid, Ness shouldn't even be viable"

(3.5 pk fire btw)

 

[Garlic Wonder]

"Oh, I was hungry"
"I hate the color black"

I bet those were his excuses?

 

[B.Wong]

Many lol trains. Keep em coming ppl.

 

[JayTheUnseen]

People saying they had 'accidents'(SDs.)
It's like,whose fault were those 'accidents'? >.>

 

[archedmaid]

People saying they had 'accidents'(SDs.)
It's like,whose fault were those 'accidents'? >.>

I'm guilty with this one especially with squirtle. "Dang it I just killed myself!"

 

[Hinichii.ez.™]

I just say oops if I SD

 

[Foo]

Just keep in mind the difference between johning (making an excuse for why you aren't doing as well as you supposedly would otherwise) and just expressing frustration. In friendlies (I try hard to not do it in tourneys) sometimes I will be complaining, but that's just because I'm frustrated with myself. For instance if I SD more than once, or at a bad time, I keep missing l-cancels/tech in general, or I was already kinda frustrated and an annoying character is pissing me off. Honestly, though, getting mad at myself for losing or messing up However, my self stated reason for losing (if asked) is almost always "because I'm bad." Unless it's melee, then it's always because I can't !@#$ing dash lmao. I just stand still spinning in circles like a dumbass.

Also, if I'm on a laggy TV, there's a decent chance I will complain about it a lot. I !@#$ing HATE laggy TVs. It messes up all of my timing on everything because I depend so much on visual and audio cues to do everything. Trying to play really fast and precisely in lag when you aren't adjusted to it messes up everything. The second tourney I went to was filled with nothing but laggy HDTVs, but there was this one tiny little analog TV in the back, and I refused to play anywhere else until they made me stop because it was top 8 lawl.

EDIT: I guess I should post a dumb john as tribute to the thread.

I was beating someone at school and he kept complaing that ZSS was incredibly OP. He was playing mewtwo. It was 3.02

 

[McSlur]

Lol. I have a black wii so I don't think I'll ever get that one but thats pretty lame haha

The black Wiis run faster anyways. I'm not joking, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LgJ28rzpRM

 

[Garlic Wonder]

Is it the same with the black wii u and and the white wii u?

 

[Deleted member]

i wish people with less than 1 year in the community were stigmatized for saying "no johns"

 

[Garlic Wonder]

What does stigmatized mean?

This is not to be mean.

 

[Deleted member]

stig·ma·tize
ˈstiɡməˌtīz/
verb

1. describe or regard as worthy of disgrace or great disapproval.
   "the institution was stigmatized as a last resort for the destitute"

 

[Foo]

i wish people with less than 1 year in the community were stigmatized for saying "no johns"

Why does time spent in the community matter?

 

[Chesstiger2612]

i wish people with less than 1 year in the community were stigmatized for saying "no johns"

I don't think an elitist attitude towards newer members in the community helps it to grow. How long someone is in the community shouldn't be relevant, although players that are longer in the community might be more experienced.

 

[Deleted member]

nah its not elitism, it's just annoying to hear "no johns" from someone that heard it last week. like graduate from your wavedash diapers first damn.

 

[Chesstiger2612]

I see your point.

 

[B.Wong]

I can wavedash?

Joining smashboards has no correlation to when I actually started playing the game.

 

[shairn]

I know a guy at my school who played Mario in 3.02 and constistently complained about every other character
Poor guy was convinced Mario was bad

 

[archedmaid]

nah its notjoinedsm, it's just annoying to hear "no johns" from someone that heard it last week. like graduate from your wavedash diapers first damn.

Lol I spied on the boards for like a year or two before I joined.

 

[Mechageo]

The black Wiis run faster anyways.

This could go wrong in so many ways.

 

[TheGravyTrain]

My brother (no knowledge of competitive smash). He is convinced shielding is OP, that any encounter where he loses was unfair, stupid, shouldn't have happened, etc... This isn't just video games, any competition where he fails, it is unfair.

 

[Volt-Ikazuchi]

"I didn't have time to warm up"
"I whiffed PK Thunder"
"Lucario's Tatsu recovers too darn late"
"There's no air dodge to avoid edgeguarding"
"Forgot that Z-Air now puts you in helpless"

Trust me, trying to learn PM after years of Brawl and no Melee experience isn't exactly the easiest thing.

 

[B.Wong]

@ Mechageo

Lol I had to read that over a few times before I got what you were getting at.

 

[StubbyDK]

"I didn't get to choose my color, just let me restart so I can pick it"

 

[Zoa]

"You won because glitches!"

Not kidding. I then gave them a 10 minute lecture in this stuff.

 

[archedmaid]

"What ever you got the smash ball every time."

"You won because stamina and wraping. I never even touched the ground."

 

[Volt-Ikazuchi]

"You Ganoncided me for a whole minute" - Courtesy of the new (and beyond awesome) no blastzone stamina mode.

 

[Cubelarooso]

"3.5 Ganon is broken. All he did was roll and I read every one but couldn't punish. And he can kill off one hit." - Melee Fox player
"I would have beaten any of these scrubs in [a different game]." - Same guy
"I should have won the tournament. [Person lost to] should not have beat me, and I can beat everyone after him." - This one person after every (double elimination) tournament
"I beat him in friendlies!" - My whole scene

 

[Candypants]

"X really shouldn't be able to combo that well." - my char
"X literally has nothing to counter what you're doing." - his char
"You just take every character and find a cheap tactic!"
"I'm not even trying." - every time I get a stock lead vs this guy
"I'm just training you to play bad at tournaments."
"I can't short hop."
"X is a high tier." - my char
"X was nerfed in 3.5." - his char
"You're not playing seriously."
"In street fighter I don't have to worry about my character not facing the right way."

Also it's not technically a john, but when they throw their hands up mid-match and let go of their controller. No DI and in severe cases no reactions to my next hit.

 

[B.Wong]

@ Candypants

"I'm just training you to play bad at tournaments"

That one just sounds infuriating.

 

[Blitzus]

I like the ones that don't try:

I'm having a bad day.
Not feeling it right now, man.
etc.

 

[Foo]

I like the ones that don't try:

I'm having a bad day.
Not feeling it right now, man.
etc.

Not gonna lie, having a bad day can be a legit reason for some people under preforming. Sometimes I have days where I can't even do my most basic tech skill without messing it up. I can't consistently short hop, my wave dashes are more like shorthop wavelands, and my L-cancel rate drops to like 60. Then I just stop playing for the day and am better the next day.

Another few things that can actually be legit is being really hungry or tired. In the mornings, I suck. If I haven't eaten in long enough, I can't focus on anything and just go into autopilot.

Kinda sucks with those ones because you can't say anything or everyone will call BS. Normally you can just not play when like this, but sometimes you just do anyway. It sucks because some people will brag to no end if they take a game off me. >.>

Stuff like that doesn't seem to happen to everyone though. My body is just really fickle.

EDIT: Another thing, if I drink too much (which isn't much) of something sugary like soda or, ironically enough, energy drinks I will crash in like 15 minutes and suck at literally anything I do. I even lose the capability to do basic math.

 

[Cubelarooso]

A legit John is still a John.

 

[Mean Green]

"Give me more of a challenge and I'll really try" (said during a losing streak)